Christmas time :)

I had almost forgotten how much I love Christmas time, untill I watched the old Christmas movies my mom tapped many years ago for me when I was little. How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Miricle on 34th Street, Rudolph, Frost the Snowman, the Little Drummer Boy, and another one about a bear. Christmas has somehow given me some hope. I've been feeling a bit better, laughing more, and even being more talkative and active. I have not, however, been sleeping well at all lately. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the fact that a certain someone has reappeared in my life for a moment, and now he's gone again. It's like he comes often enough to keep me hopefull that he will someday return to me fully.. I have a feeling he knows we are meant to be, but is still scared to try and is therefore making sure I will still be there when he comes back. Maybe this Christmas season will help him remember how he misses talking constantly and basically being best friends. We will see I guess :) and I always have lived by the saying "everything happens for a reason." Maybe I was meant to find happiness in the little things, like Cheerleading, and Christmas, and best friends. ♥ That's what I'm hoping anyway ♥

bored in study hall...

Here I sit in study hall.. really bored.. however I have all my applications for college finished! That is a HUGE load off my mind.

I've also been pouring my mind into fashion lately. Im really into it. I want to do it as a career. I just wish I had money to shop! haha. Then I could be fashionable all the time. I'm hoping to job shadow soon, maybe out of state.. well we will see what happens.

the bell is about to ring so i need to log off now :) I am feeling a little happier today for some reason though.. it feels good.

ughhh

Just blew up at my parents and "gave attitude" ... i did but it wasnt that bad.. and im just in a bad, tired, miserable mood all the time. My mom said i should be happier.. i know i should be.. but i think im legit depressed.. ugh! everyone around me has been like this though. and i dont know how to fix it. i like having this blog to just put my feelings out there. and it's a lot easier to type things than write them.. however i do still keep a journal. i feel really disgusting today aswell because i ate McDonalds after a drama club field trip and it lowered my self esteem just a little bit.
I think i have a problem with over-thinking things like weight, what people think about me, love, even the simple things such as homework problems. i just need to get better...
i also apologize for being such a depressing blogger. however most of the time it's what im feeling that day and it helps me get it all out.

a poem

What is this feeling?
Of love and despair.
Why won't he try?
Live to dare.
I've felt the feeling,
that some call love,
the lust, the hurt,
viewing the white dove.
The heart's great yearning,
feeling butterflies churning,
Only to be broken,
left with no drive,
no emotion, no life,
completely alone,
barely alive,

living, without him.

cheerleading.... hmmmm

So i love to dance.. i really do. However i am not looking forward to cheerleading season at all. The girls are so bitchy it's unreal. Why do people have to be so mean? Why can't the world just be a happier place to be in overall. I've been feeling really down lately about everything. I know i shouldnt because i have so much to be happy about.. why am i feeling this way? I just won a state championship.. but i cease to be happy for some reason. i have a few good friends that i know i can trust, i have a great future in violin, i have all my applications done, my family and i are healthy, i just don't know why this feeling of depression has come on me this past month.. i really don't. Can one guy really cause all this? Or is it even him? Am i really that hopelessly romantic that just because im not in love means that my life is horrible? I hope i can at least put on a smile for people so i dont have to explain all this to them. *sigh. Im listening to the romantic, passionate, wanting music of Phantom of the Opera.. this probably isnt helping my mood any lol. Well, until soon, Taylor

long time no see.. literally

I regret to say I have been avoiding the computer. Reason being, the computer leads to facebook, which leads to seeing his wall, which leads to getting my heart torn and wrenched at because there are so many other girls posting smiles and cute quotes and ugh! On a good note, my soccer team won the state championship for the first time EVER! It feels amazing :)

come back

Why does he have to be so difficult??? gahhh.. men. I know he still has feelings for me.. I can feel it everytime we are together. Even my mother said when I wasn't looking he would look at me, and then when I would look in that general direction, he would look away.

For those of you who don't know, my heart is taken, and has been for a few years now. Everytime I try a relationship with someone else, fate or some weird coincidence brings me back to him. Our families have been friends since before we were born. Our mothers are best friends.. and we fell in love.. then he told me that he didnt think we were right at that moment in time. Ever since i've felt lost, tired, less driven, and alone. I think he's scared of the future and scared of having real feelings. I felt what love feels like for the first time with him.. and everytime I see him, I remember that feeling. It's increadible. I think he needs to find himself.. find out that he has real feelings, and make a plan. I need him and want him in my life.. hopefully he will someday, come back to me.

Pictures I've Taken For Fun

first day blogging

My first blog ever! Blogging must be pretty big cuz I had a hell of a time trying to figure out a name that someone didn't have already! Do people just write their feelings down in a blog? Their opinions? Their issues and just stories about everyday life? That's probably what I'll do. I like keeping a journal so this is kind of like that actaully. Well adios for now! :)